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Obsession for Me

Eau de Toilet

You may have noticed my obsessive nature. I find that it, along with my over-thinking, is great for solving problems. It came in handy when I was an engineer, and when I have done programming. It even helps when I am writing lyrics, trying to come up with ideas for parts of songs, or trying to analyze parts of existing cover songs.

Where it gets in the way is when the solution is to do something. It does not help to think when I need to work on a part to play. Once I know what I need to be able to play, only practice and repetition will fix the “problem.” However, when I am away from my instrument, I have to struggle to not think about what I am not practicing. There’s no point in thinking about it or worrying about it. Do or do not, and all that.

Fri, 2011 10 21 at 9:11 AM |Permalink for this entry

Judgement Day Blues

A friend recently replied to my post about Judgement. He suggests that a) not everyone can do what everyone else can, and 2) we need judgement in order to find out the truth and rise above where we are. I don’t disagree with either. As he said, “a guy with no legs is not going to be an All Pro Running Back.”  Or, if the guy has legs but for some reason doesn’t know he’s not strong or quick enough, he’s not going to get better.

The trick is the line between discouragement and encouragement. I can only assume that point is different for each person. There have been some who have been told that “they suck” perhaps in so many words, and used that as their own motivation to get better. On the other hand, some have heard the same thing, got discouraged, and either gave up or maybe they’re the ones who struggle every day with that voice in their head. One could argue that maybe those people weren’t meant to do whatever they are trying to do. If they don’t have the drive to overcome the criticisms perhaps they should do what does drive them. I don’t know if there are any clear answers to this, and like I have mentioned, it could be different for each person.

In my original post, I was talking about that self-criticism that tends to stifle, because we are afraid of “what if.” It’s one thing to judge oneself objectively in order to improve, it’s another to constantly think, “I am not good enough,” “I can’t do this,” “I’m wasting my time trying,” or whatever that keeps us from even making the effort. Similarly, when one wants to criticize someone else’s work, I think it should be done tactfully and constructively. Anyone can say, “that sucks,” but are you capable of telling them why you think that? If you don’t, you might not really be in a place to tell them what you think.

Tue, 2011 10 18 at 7:59 AM |Permalink for this entry

Changing the World

These things spread.

Very few people do something that changes the whole world so boldly and obviously. Henry Ford, Thomas Edison, Steve Jobs, Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., and other “crazy ones” did, some a few times over. Not everyone can do that.

What everyone and anyone can do, is have a positive influence on the world around them. Like ripples in a pond, these things spread. You don’t have to volunteer at a shelter, feed the hungry, help old ladies cross the street (though those kinds of things are great). Just by being a positive influence, doing what you feel you were meant to do (follow your heart), any little thing can contribute to the betterment of our world. I can’t be specific because that’s something each one of us has to find for ourselves.

I know some people want to make a bigger impact on the world, and many feel overwhelmed by the things they think need to change. Just do your part. Remember, these things spread.

Mon, 2011 10 17 at 8:00 AM |Permalink for this entry

Trying Times

"No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try." - Master Yoda

With detachment, we have learned that focus on specific outcomes is not the way to go. Focus on specific outcomes is trying to do something. More often in life, the best we can do for ourselves is create opportunities for ourselves. The journey should be the reward. Each step along the way, no matter what way that is or becomes, should be enjoyed for what it is, not for what it might lead to, what it may bring us closer to, what rewards we might get, etc. When we look for those things, we are less likely to get anything out of it, and it ruins the journey as well.

Part of me hates to ruin that great philosophical paragraph with what may be a cheesy metaphor, but you can see this in human sex and procreation. It has been an all-too-common story of the couple that is trying to have a baby and cannot. Then, when they stop trying, they are able to conceive. (I would bet the sex is better as well, but I have never asked.)

Sun, 2011 10 16 at 8:00 AM |Permalink for this entry

Just Do That™

“Don’t you mean Shining?” “Hush boy, do ya want ta get sued?!”

As I wrote that last post, I started to feel like you probably are, dear readers. Enough talk, get to it!

I think these posts have been good, though. They’ve helped me to think through a lot and document the process that I have been going through. If they help someone else, that would be even better.

That being said, I’ll probably write more as I get more thoughts and ideas and document my progress. You know me. I won’t shut up once I get started.

Sat, 2011 10 15 at 8:00 AM |Permalink for this entry

Brain Surgery

There are things I do in life without attachment. In fact, I’ve done gigs without attachment. What I’m not understanding is why I can go to a gig like that, even if I don’t think I’m as prepared as I would like to be, and be detached, yet when I need to prepare for an audition or rehearsal or gig, I get attached and struggle to even do the work to get ready (which would then allow me to be prepared and detached for the gig). I should be telling myself that it doesn’t matter, no one else can hear me now, who would expect me to have this correct now anyway.

I told Lori that I wish I wanted to play piano as much as I want to do other things, but then I realized that I do want to play as much as those other things, but then I stop myself. I hear stuff in my head all the time, I hear music on the stereo or at a show and get inspired, but then I stop before I go to the piano and actually play it.

I guess the simple answer is to push myself, and pretend I believe it even if I don’t yet. If I keep telling myself it doesn’t matter, perhaps at some point I will actually think that. If I just try to noodle meaninglessly when I’m inspired, maybe I can make that a habit.

“This isn’t rocket science, Smithers, it’s brain surgery!”

Fri, 2011 10 14 at 8:00 AM |Permalink for this entry

Worry

“You worry too much.”

There was a period in my life when people would say this to me. I hated it. It didn’t feel like worry. I was just talking things out to people I knew (I think this was mainly before I was with Lori so I was talking to different people who didn’t know me as well).

In writing these recent posts and in my thinking about all this stuff, I have begun to allow myself to say that I have been worried about things, like playing correctly. By doing so, I think it might allow me to accept the way I have been really thinking about some of these things and thus overcome it.

Thu, 2011 10 13 at 7:54 AM |Permalink for this entry

Trying to Suck

Don’t Be Afraid to Suck

One time, back in the early days of Blue Funk, a guitar player I was playing with said something I thought was unkind about my playing. I don’t remember what it was, but it was something about how my playing was getting in the way, didn’t fit, or something like that. Whatever it was, it really pissed me off. I thought to myself, “fine, screw it, I’m going to play badly and who cares.” He didn’t say anything either way, but I felt I played much better after that.

One possible way of detaching is this. By letting go of trying to play right, I may have played better. I’m way too worried about playing things right. I need to let go, let myself play things wrong, perhaps almost even try to. The paradox is, by doing so, I will probably play better.

In other words, I screw up screwing up by not screwing up after all.

Wed, 2011 10 12 at 7:53 AM |Permalink for this entry

More on Detachment

Moron Detachment?

Connie’s post about detachment  really hit home for me. If you read it, you’ll see how detachment is a thread through these posts and what I need.

But what a battle! I don’t know why I am so attached to my own playing. I can tell you it is deep. I worry about how I am going to sound, if I am ready, if they will like me. Yet, when I am ready, I don’t worry about it. When it is all working for me, my only attachment is to what I do. I don’t care if there are five people listening or five million. I care about having fun and playing the best that I can regardless of the situation. This is why my attachments in other situations confound me. Why am I attached to this, but not to that, even though they are related activities? Why have I put so much importance on some of these things?

Maybe it doesn’t matter why I got to that point, just that I need to let go.

Here’s another good post about detachment that Connie references.

Tue, 2011 10 11 at 8:00 AM |Permalink for this entry

The F Word

I have done a bunch of things in my life that I feel that I did without fear, things that others worry a lot about. These are things like take the SAT and the GRE, make presentations, get married, and even play gigs. In fact, I was so calm and happy that I actually enjoyed these things.

If it were up to me (and I know it is), this is the way I would do everything. Unlike some performers, I do not get off on those nerves. I’m not crazy about being uncomfortable before a performance, having nerves, jitters, or whatever else it may be. I would much rather be calm, relaxed, and enjoy it.

However, there are and there have been situations where I could probably be described as pretty terrified. In fact, there have been several cases where I outright choked. It’s really aggravating. Suddenly, something comes up and I guess I’m totally unsure how to deal with it. It is hard to describe what is going on in my head because there is so much that it is a jumble.

I did not realize the level of this problem until recently, and when I did, I realized how how much this problem permeates nearly everything I do in regards to music. It is what keeps me from playing something for people when they say, “go ahead and try my piano,” it is what screws me up when I blow a part at an audition or rehearsal and I need to fix it right then, it even affects my practicing. I am sure that there are things I do not practice when Lori is home because of it (which is really stupid because she’s always supportive and as a musician herself, she knows what it takes to practice and how bad it can sound before it gets good). Even when she is not home, I am sure there are times where I think of the ‘next’ thing I need to work on, and I suddenly decide to take a break from practicing, find something else to do, and avoid it.

I think the practice cases are manageable, but I wonder about the “performance” cases. I really do not have the slightest idea how to stop the jumble in my head when I suddenly encounter a new unknown situation. Obviously, the better I can play, the less those situations should crop up, but will my confidence build along with that, or will I continue to choke?

As I have written previously, I am trying to not worry about the future. What I am trying to do is figure out how to solve this problem so I don’t get caught out by it again. It is hard though, because I do not usually realize it is happening until it is over. I am thinking right now that the answer may be in the “detachment” that I wrote about previously.

P.S. The above post is a complete rewrite of the post I promised back in July about the issue I discovered about myself. So you finally got to find out what I was talking about.

Mon, 2011 10 10 at 8:00 AM |Permalink for this entry

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